Florida Man Shocked to Discover Wearing Hunting Pack to the Gym Does Nothing

The man claims altitude masks and hunting packs loaded with sandbags don’t work as advertised.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – A Florida man is complaining about his recent elk hunting experience in the Rocky Mountains after reportedly spending north of $8,000 on hunting-specific workout programs, equipment and supplements, Instagram users say.

Timmy Wuerffel, of nearby Newberry, Fla., says all of the mountain-focused training he did last year “didn’t do jack shit,” and is now warning other would-be western hunters about the dangers of relying on “Instagram marketing scams” to prepare them for the hunt of a lifetime.

“From the minute I started planning for this hunt, I lived each day as if I were in the mountains,” said Wuerffel, who lives just a few feet above sea level. “There wasn’t a time when I didn’t wear my hunting pack, loaded with sandbags, into my local Planet Fitness. The folks there didn’t like me much, but that’s because they’re weak, soft and not mountain-tough like me – at least that’s what I thought.”

Everything was going to plan until September arrived and the 32-year-old, former high school football standout made his way into the Colorado high country.

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all, even though I drank three packs of Enduro,” Wuerffel explained. “I figured I’d do some burpees to warm up for the evening hunt, and it damn near killed me. Oh, and these jacked-up Florida trucks are NOT made for hunting out West – I got passed on the way up by some fruitcake in a Subaru.”

(TAB discovered the “fruitcake” in question weighed 135 pounds soaking wet and killed a bull elk on the first day despite packing in only two bottles of Kombucha and a carton of Natural American Spirit’s.)

As the 10-day hunt progressed, Wuerffel says he began to wonder if the fitness programs he paid for were simply a marketing gimmick designed to target over-zealous “workout warriors” like himself.

“Had a real moment of introspection up there, that’s for sure, because I tried damn near every hunting workout routine there is,” Wuerffel said. “Except Whitetail Fit – even I knew that sounded dumb. But, the point is none of that shit made me more successful on the hunt and now I have to explain to wife why she has to ask her dad for more money.”

Eventually, Wuerffel had an opportunity at a calf elk from 20 yards, but says he was so exhausted he couldn’t pull his 90-pound bow back in time to make the shot.

“So, couple of things. One, 90-pound bows are f**king stupid and there’s no reason to buy one, no matter how small your d**k is,” Wuerffel explained. “And, two, don’t get a tattoo of a modified Tim Tebow speech that reads, ‘You have never seen any hunter in the entire country hunt as hard as I will hunt.’ I’m questioning a lot about who I am and what I’ve become.”

Wuerffel now encourages his friends and “followers” to work out and be healthy, but to do it “like a normal person.”

“Learn from my mistakes – you don’t have to look like an asshole in the gym to be a successful hunter. Just worry about being a better hunter.”

One thought on “Florida Man Shocked to Discover Wearing Hunting Pack to the Gym Does Nothing

  1. Mr. Angry B

    Another reason as stated in the past that no matter how much those knucklehead gym rats think they are ready for hunting elk at 6000 plus feet elevation…..THEY AIN’T. And the 90 lb bow setting …..really ??? And unless I was starving to death in the woods needing to survive I would never shoot a calf elk.

    Always enjoy your articles 👍🤠. Keep them coming.


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