The man claims altitude masks and hunting packs loaded with sandbags don’t work as advertised.
GAINESVILLE, Fla. – A Florida man is complaining about his recent elk hunting experience in the Rocky Mountains after reportedly spending north of $8,000 on hunting-specific workout programs, equipment and supplements, Instagram users say.
Timmy Wuerffel, of nearby Newberry, Fla., says all of the mountain-focused training he did last year “didn’t do jack shit,” and is now warning other would-be western hunters about the dangers of relying on “Instagram marketing scams” to prepare them for the hunt of a lifetime.
“From the minute I started planning for this hunt, I lived each day as if I were in the mountains,” said Wuerffel, who lives just a few feet above sea level. “There wasn’t a time when I didn’t wear my hunting pack, loaded with sandbags, into my local Planet Fitness. The folks there didn’t like me much, but that’s because they’re weak, soft and not mountain-tough like me – at least that’s what I thought.”
Everything was going to plan until September arrived and the 32-year-old, former high school football standout made his way into the Colorado high country.
“I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all, even though I drank three packs of Enduro,” Wuerffel explained. “I figured I’d do some burpees to warm up for the evening hunt, and it damn near killed me. Oh, and these jacked-up Florida trucks are NOT made for hunting out West – I got passed on the way up by some fruitcake in a Subaru.”
(TAB discovered the “fruitcake” in question weighed 135 pounds soaking wet and killed a bull elk on the first day despite packing in only two bottles of Kombucha and a carton of Natural American Spirit’s.)
As the 10-day hunt progressed, Wuerffel says he began to wonder if the fitness programs he paid for were simply a marketing gimmick designed to target over-zealous “workout warriors” like himself.
“Had a real moment of introspection up there, that’s for sure, because I tried damn near every hunting workout routine there is,” Wuerffel said. “Except Whitetail Fit – even I knew that sounded dumb. But, the point is none of that shit made me more successful on the hunt and now I have to explain to wife why she has to ask her dad for more money.”
Eventually, Wuerffel had an opportunity at a calf elk from 20 yards, but says he was so exhausted he couldn’t pull his 90-pound bow back in time to make the shot.
“So, couple of things. One, 90-pound bows are f**king stupid and there’s no reason to buy one, no matter how small your d**k is,” Wuerffel explained. “And, two, don’t get a tattoo of a modified Tim Tebow speech that reads, ‘You have never seen any hunter in the entire country hunt as hard as I will hunt.’ I’m questioning a lot about who I am and what I’ve become.”
Wuerffel now encourages his friends and “followers” to work out and be healthy, but to do it “like a normal person.”
“Learn from my mistakes – you don’t have to look like an asshole in the gym to be a successful hunter. Just worry about being a better hunter.”