If you spend enough time hunting you’re bound to run into these types of hunters.
Fudds are the drunk uncle of the hunting community. They’re a little bit dumb, a little bit misinformed and way too set in their ways. The 30-06 is the only rifle caliber they believe in, unless they’ve somehow discovered 6.5 Creedmoor and need to shoot an elk in the ass at 600 yards. DANGIT RICKY, THAT SHOULDA DROPPED HIM! The last time a Fudd sighted in their rifle was in 1997 on a Budweiser can, and every time one of them puts on a blaze orange NASCAR hat it sets hunting back 30 years. Fudds don’t pay much attention to season dates and don’t use steel shot for waterfowl. Why? Because they’re Fudds, and they don’t need the gubmint tellin’ them what to do. If you see one you’d better turn and walk the other way, otherwise you might get trapped in an hour-long conversation about how Bill Clinton sold us out to the Chinese.
The Wannabe Influencer
Is there anything worse than heading out for a hunt and running into some jackass with a GoPro strapped to their head? These assholes spend more time talking to their cell phone camera than hunting, and they’re the first ones to get called into another hunter’s set. “Alright guys, I could’ve sworn that was the herd bull I listened to last night, but it ended up being another hunter. That’s what happens when you’re a public land hunter like me, I guess. I’ll keep grinding – that bull is out there somewhere. Don’t forget to smash that subscribe button and use code CHAD69 to get 10 percent off at AdamAndEve.com!” F**k off, Chad. I hope you get mauled on-camera. YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO RECEIVE FREE GEAR WITH THE 31 PEOPLE THAT WATCH YOUR VIDEOS.
The Bozeman (also referred to as “The Jackson” or “The Boulder”) comes complete with a “Public Land Owner” t-shirt and the most expensive gear money can buy, all so they can shoot a 140 mule deer at 927 yards and make an artsy “film” about it. “See, we hunt just as hard as the poors!” There’s nothing better than having some pretentious dickhead tell you, “Dude, you’d glass way more deer with a Swaro spotter.” YEAH, I KNOW IT’S GREAT GLASS MOTHERF**KER BUT DADDY DOESN’T MAKE MY TRUCK PAYMENT. I have a plastic tote in my basement labeled “hunting clothes.” The Bozeman has a case in their trophy room labeled “technical apparel.” They drink hazy IPA’s, talk about how they’re glad Trump is finally out of office and say we need more diversity in hunting – all while simultaneously hating Black people and living as far away from them as possible. Their wives peg them.
The Salt Dog Local
A veteran of hunting, the Salt Dog Local is salty as hell and hates everyone. They don’t want to see you. They don’t want to talk to you. They’re hunting because if they weren’t they’d be halfway through a bottle of bourbon and bitching to their German Shepherd about all of the people they’re tired of seeing and talking to. They remember how it used to be and hate how shitty it is now. Under their hardened exterior lies a lifetime of experience and knowledge they’d like to pass on, but can’t, because they know you’d run your mouth and f**k it all up anyway. You’ll know you’ve encountered a “Salt Dog” when you start a conversation and they reply only with “mhmm’s” and “yups.” Killing is their business and business is good – though it’d be a lot better if you weren’t around.
The Late-Onset Locavore
The only connection these people have to hunting is from watching Meateater’s YouTube channel (and it shows). Free-range, farm to table, field to plate, field to fork, finger my ass – I swear to God, they can’t go 30 seconds without telling you how “organic” their meat is. I’VE GOT SOME ORGANIC MEAT FOR YA! (Sorry, couldn’t help it). Everyone that hunts also eats wild game. You’re not special.
If you want to hunt, hunt, but don’t run back to your hipster coffee shop and tell everyone you’re “not like those other hunters.” Oh, I couldn’t care less about antlers. I just like clean, ethical meat. That deer you shot has more fertilizer in it than a bag of Miracle Gro. Can you imagine being the farmer that answers the phone when one of these idiots calls to ask for permission to hunt? “Hi sir, can I come shoot a doe? I just want to know where my food comes from.” BITCH, I’M WHERE YOUR FOOD COMES FROM! WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK I’M DOING OUT HERE!? If you find yourself in this category, understand one thing: you’re either pro-hunting in totality or you’re against it. Pick a side and quit apologizing to everyone that doesn’t get it.
The Workout Warrior
Sometimes hunting isn’t enough. Sometimes you’ve got to hunt HARD. And, if you’re gonna hunt HARD, you better be HARD. Err…I mean IN SHAPE. And, if you’re not HARD – not in a gay way or anything – or MOUNTAIN TOUGH, and if you can’t RUN REALLY FAR, you’re probably just a HATER with a SOFT BODY and a WEAK MIND. WOOOO! WHO ELSE IS READY TO SNORT A LINE OF IGNITE OFF THEIR GYM BUDDY’S ASS!?
If you’ve ever served in the military you’re probably familiar with the phrase “accuracy by volume,” and that’s exactly how these people think hunting works. No elk on this mountain? Hammer your way to the next one and pay zero attention to the critters you’ve blown out along the way. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with working out and being in shape – I encourage everyone to be as healthy as possible. But, working out doesn’t make you a good hunter, and no sane person is going to pay for your bootleg workout program.
Who would you like see in part two? Let me know in the comments here or on Instagram @theangrybowhunter.